As the exam season approaches, your child can sense the intense pressure that only thoughts about an exam hall could instil in a student. WhatsApp family groups buzz with messages wishing your child well for the exams, and like in every middle-class Indian home, you might be asking your child for the third time in three hours, “How much do you think you can score?”
As a parent of a child appearing for 10th standard board exams or 12th standard board exams, you may be asking that question because you want your child to do well. But you might not have realised that marks have likely become the only topic of conversation at home. That could be counterproductive, and it is worth considering whether talking about marks every day actually helps your child.
The impact of board exams on your child may not necessarily be obvious. But they are indeed going through a lot of exam stress. Talking about marks is only adding to that pressure. Psychologists have a fairly clear understanding of the problem. This article explores what they recommend for parent-child communication around marks.
The Psychological Impact of Exam Stress and Marks
Board exams are already a high-stakes situation for teenagers. There is so much going on in a child’s mind during the exam preparation phase, from preparing a timetable and scheduling revision all the way to managing CBSE syllabus revisions, mock tests, tuition classes, and addressing self-doubt. This alone can create a massive mental load that even adults may struggle to handle. When you add daily conversations about marks to that mix, you get a recipe for chronic anxiety.
Psychologists point out that constant marks pressure activates the same stress response in the brain as a perceived threat. When you subject your teenage child to daily conversations about marks, their mind does not register it as casual concern. It equates the enquiry with a consistent evaluation, driving their nervous system into a “fight or flight” mode.
This has real-life consequences, and students under prolonged board exam stress suffer from:
- Lack of good sleep, which further affects memory consolidation and recall during exams
- Extreme eating habits – either loss of appetite or stress-eating
- Uncharacteristic irritability and emotional outbursts
- Ironically, deteriorating performance, due to the impact of prolonged anxiety on working memory
- Long-term association of studying with fear rather than curiosity or achievement
Though parents raise the topic and talk about marks out of love, not pressure, the child’s brain often does not distinguish between “I care about you” and “I’m worried you won’t score well.” That is why you should be extremely careful about what you say to them during parent-child communication. In this critical phase, you need to handle conversations with your child with far more intention and care than most families realise.
5 Recommendations From Psychologists on Parent-Child Communication Around Marks
1. Talk About What They Are Going to Achieve, Not How To Achieve
The simple way to change how your child perceives a question is to change your tone and how you communicate it. Instead of asking, “How many marks will you get?” tell them they will eventually achieve the results they expect. Gently remind them what they are capable of, and ask them what support they need to achieve what they want. That subtly changes the tone from what they will achieve to how you can support them.
Very rarely, you can ask, “What did you study today?” or “Which topic felt tough?” to make sure they are on track and offer support if they are stuck. This shifts the conversation from a scoreboard to a process that actually helps you understand where your child needs support.
2. Fix One Check-In a Day, Not Ten
There are many ways to talk with your child. Your parent-child communication can involve asking simple yet overwhelming questions 10 times a day, like how much they can score, or spending 30 minutes in the middle of the day having a calm conversation about studies and the challenges your child faces.
Psychologists recommend the latter: a single, calm conversation about studies each day helps reduce your child’s anxiety and focus on revision. In contrast, repeated questioning throughout the day signals distrust and adds unnecessary marks pressure, even when that is not the intention.
However, it is best to avoid this conversation right before bedtime or right after a mock test.
3. Normalise Talking About Feelings, Not Just Numbers
Instead of talking about marks frequently, try to understand your child’s feelings and ensure that they are free from stress and anxiety. Ask “How are you feeling about tomorrow’s paper?” as often as you ask about syllabus completion.
It makes your child realise that their emotional state matters to you as much as their performance. It helps them build trust and reduces their urge to hide stress.
4. Avoid Comparisons, Even Well-Meaning Ones
Though we have discussed comparing a child with others previously, the significance of avoiding it cannot be overstated. Psychologists also concur with this. It may sound motivating when you say “Sharma ji’s daughter scores 95+ all the time”, but psychologists unanimously warn that comparison is one of the biggest triggers of exam anxiety.
Let your child study smart for CBSE board exam at their own pace; they will perform to the best of their abilities if they learn in their own way, at their own pace.
5. Provide Reassurance Without Being Dismissive
To avoid emphasising the importance of marks all the time, it might be tempting to take the opposite approach and say “marks don’t matter at all”. But that is almost as counter-productive as talking about the marks all the time.
The statement can feel hollow and even invalidating to your child, especially since they know it matters substantially. Instead, you can try saying, “This exam matters. But whatever the result is, we will figure out the next step together.” This reassures without dismissing the reality of board exams.
Final Thoughts
Caring about your child’s academic performance is natural and necessary because CBSE boards are genuinely important milestones, and marks are important. But how you talk about it, the tone you adopt, how frequently you talk about marks, and with what focus, makes a significant difference between motivating your child and burning them out.
The next time you feel the urge to ask about marks for the third time in a day, pause. Ask about their day instead. Sometimes, the most helpful thing a parent can do during stressful board exam season is not to talk about marks less, but to talk about everything else more.
FAQs
1. Should parents avoid discussing marks completely during board exams?
No. Completely avoiding conversations about marks is unnecessary. Psychologists suggest limiting how often these conversations happen. They recommend focusing more on the outcome and keeping conversations calm rather than eliminating the topic.
2. How often should parents check in about study progress?
A long and calm conversation once a day about how the day went, what they covered, and what support they need is ideal. Frequent check-ins increase marks pressure and can make children feel constantly evaluated rather than supported during preparation.
3. Does talking about marks daily actually affect exam performance?
Yes. Talking about marks often can add stress. Repeated evaluation can lead to chronic anxiety, poor quality of sleep, poor memory retention, and a loss of focus, all of which are essential for strong performance in board exams.
4. What’s a better alternative to asking about expected marks?
Instead of talking about marks, you can ask about your child’s emotional state or specific topics studied. This supports genuine parent-child communication without adding unnecessary pressure around numbers.
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